mindfulness

From September 2008 to February 2009, all I remember is a whirlwind of appointments, tests, biopsies, phone calls, internet searches, crying jags and, finally, a diagnosis. You would think I could remember that date, but I don't. I think I had been through too much for too long and simply didn't have the brain power to commit the date to memory.

Finally, there was certainty, but many new questions. I was definitely going to lose my breast to a Stage 0 cancer I hadn't even been sure qualified me as a cancer patient. Now I had weeks to count down the days and contemplate the ramifications:

I remember fear and a feeling of being in the Twilight Zone. How could this actually be happening? Who are these many, many people swarming all around me? How am I going to feel, look, function – survive - when I wake up?    

One year later, I decided I needed to celebrate my anniversary and asked my husband out to lunch. Mind you, I didn't want to celebrate the actual day. No, I was celebrating the fact that I had made it to April 15, 2010. I had managed to create distance from 2009, which included another surgery in September and major emotional issues. It was a major accomplishment that deserved to be celebrated.

That's how going out to lunch with my husband on April 15th became a tradition. Year two we went out again and I considered it "a very good day:"

It is a tremendous gift to know yourself and what you are capable of doing. Once you know it, you can put that faith in your pocket where it will safely stay in case you ever need it again. ... I'll be celebrating my survival, healing and the surprising gifts of cancer.

Year three was reflective and definitely not celebratory. We went out to lunch again, but I was focused on the emotions and fears of the actual day. On a positive note, I did realize how mindfulness and a few amazing people pulled me through.

How do I feel today? I'm not really sure. Initially, I tried to ignore the day and didn't mention lunch to my husband. For the first time, I felt silly bringing it up - like I should be past all that by now. As I wrestled with that feeling, I slowly realized I was on a survivor's guilt trip. If I wanted to go to lunch, I was entitled and shouldn't try to talk myself out of it.

After all that, my husband said he had remembered our tradition, but wasn't able to work out his schedule. Rather than disappointing me, he validated the importance of our tradition to both of us.

I don't know how I'll feel next week when we go out to lunch. Even four years later, it's clear to me that I'm still dealing with a moving target.  I shed some tears as I read my earlier cancer anniversary blog posts, but posting to my Facebook page drew many supportive responses. We had an excellent discussion and, once again, the nurturing of other survivors who "get it" teaches me the most important lesson I've learned over the last four years, "I am not alone!"

Survival > Existence,

Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

If you're like me, that doesn't mean you don't chase the fantasy. Earlier in my career, I did my best to create the Norman Rockwell inspired family holiday. I let Martha Stewart, the goddess of all things "perfect," cajole me into impossible, time consuming projects. (I finally quit her when she seriously suggested growing your own grass for Easter baskets.)

Eventually, you learn to lighten up. But the dream of a White Christmas, perfect children, harmonious family celebrations, and all things magical persists.

What's the antidote to holiday stress? Mindful awareness and acceptance of the present moment.

With mindfulness you ratchet down your expectations and enjoy the little things. You're less likely to over plan, overspend and overdo. There is no "should" and "must." There is only "be."

Mindfulness and striving for Martha Stewart-perfect just don't mix. As chef Jacques Pepin summed up "perfectly:" 

"When you are at home, even if the chicken is a little burnt, what's the big deal? Relax." 

Wishing you a mindfully relaxing holiday season!

Survival > Existence,

Related Posts:

Meditation Monday - 5 Tips to Reduce Holiday Stress

10 Little Things to Do with Mindful Awareness

The Survivor's Nest - My Number One Tip This Holiday Season

The Survivor's Nest - Five Tips to Make Your Home Party Ready

Over the past three years, I've met many women with cancer, in person and virtually. They all have one thing in common - an uncommon depth of courage.

It takes courage to hear a cancer diagnosis and not actually fall on the floor in a heap. It takes courage to tell your family and friends and be more worried about how they are handling it than you are about yourself. It takes courage to show up for tests, treatments and surgeries, all the while battling your "flight or fight" reflex. It takes courage to heal the emotional and physical scars of treatment and somehow accept the "new normal" of life beyond cancer.

When faced with all we have been through as women with cancer, it's very probable that our first instinct was to "run like hell." It certainly was for me. But, we stood our ground and did what we had to do. That's bravery, that's courage and that's how we live our lives as women with cancer.  

Because of the courage I've discovered in myself and the other women with cancer I've met, I'm inspired to keep living courageously every day. Thank you to my friend who sent me this poster (one of the bravest women with cancer I know) and all of you. Now, get out your cymbals and do one brave thing today!! 

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchil

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage. Confucius

Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known? William Shakespeare

One man with courage is a majority. Thomas Jefferson

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. Walt Disney

One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. Maya Angelou

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. Steve Jobs

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. Abraham Lincoln

Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected. George Washington

I'm middle aged (of course, I'll have to live to 100+ for the term to apply literally) and a long way from my school days. But, learning something new every day, is one of my greatest joys and a true gift of my cancer.

Because of cancer, I learned how important exercise is for my body and I took up yoga. I've learned how fun it is to do Zentangle art, and how easy it is to donate blood. I've learned the importance of mindfulness and the